I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize