She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
