I want to make a zoo with you.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We left the knife in your bed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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