He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
