Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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