if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
