I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
