the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
did you just send me my own nude
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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