Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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