Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
