Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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