No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
