I am spending my child support on dildos
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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