She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
