i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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