Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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