Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
