You're my little dorito
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
