Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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