I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
