My liver just broke up with me...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
