bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize