i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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