I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
