Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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