Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize