i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
