I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
