i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
