I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
