I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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