I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
