1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
