I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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