I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize