It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
its liver damage thursday
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
