Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
