Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
