Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
