I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize