somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
