somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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