Someone shit on the floor
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
