Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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