i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
