i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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