oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize