I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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