Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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