On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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