He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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