just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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