Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
