Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
