he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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