Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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