i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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