this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
