I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
