I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
