After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He did a backflip because drugs
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
