Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
