i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
