you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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