Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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